How To Read Fortune From Wine
Nobody likes a whiner, but we all love a good wine and dine. And wine not? In France, they give this delicious grape nectar to kids at an early age. Though let it be known, moderation is always key and should be taught with caring guidance. If you believe otherwise, that’s OK. I still love you. In fact, there is a lot of love to go around in this blog post.
Wine is my favorite drink — with the exception of Turkish coffee of course. And why? This beverage is exotic, just like Turkish coffee. But there is a major difference. Turkish coffee fortune reading is deeply rooted in Ottoman Empire and wine fortune reading is quite new and also... a bit “erotic”? Yes, it’s true.
Wine fortune telling is fantastic for first dates, long-term lovers, and old friends ready to cross the forbidden line. If you can remember the 3 L’s — “Legs, Lips, & Lashes” — you will harness the secrets to my wine fortune readings.
1. Sip & Swirl
Hold up your partner’s glassware to the sky before allowing them the first sip (always read someone else’s future — never your own). The sea of grape juice swirls in conjunction with the universal source, and God has now dutifully activated the ceremony. We are gravy baby.
Tell your partner to think of something important. The spirit’s intent (not to be confused with liquor spirit, I am talking about one’s actual soul) has to infuse within the chemistry of the wine. Cabernet Sauvignon, Syrah, or whatever you prefer. Personal interaction with the goblet must take place orally before visions of the future properly manifest. In other words, drink the wine. And now - swirl!
2. Read the Legs
Notice those little droplets of wine (like rain gently padding on a windowpane) falling downward all around the glass? These are literally called “legs” in wine world — but please, don’t confuse them with the anatomical legs of your lover.
Carefully assess these wine “legs” with passionate intent. Your investment proves the intensity of your fervor to your partner. Seductively, make love to the glass with your eyes. And, what do you see...? Pillars? Roads? People? Box of chocolates? Camel humps? Say everything you see without any filters. If you’ve had a few glasses yourself, these confessions will come with greater ease.
By harnessing the power of your imagination, and allowing those beautiful legs to conjure deep feelings within you, shower your lover — verbally — with what you see in their wine glass. Don’t forget that their fortune is intertwined with yours, especially once you play your cards right. So, allow their future to meld into yours and continue to tantalize each other’s spirits with your predictions. Keep repeating Steps 2 & 3 until you’ve exhausted every recess of your imagination.
3. Read The Lips
Like the famous AC/DC song “Stiff Upper Lip”, there is a ton of information to be gleaned from your partners lips. The glistening of the wine stains around their upper lip will reveal many secrets. Continue reading their lips in conjunction to what you observed in their glass. In Turkish tradition, it is (at times) customary to read both the cup and the saucer simultaneously, so the legs and lips are a similar extension of this practice. Check out the legs, and then analyze the lips.
But as you implore for your partners’ lips, assure them of your intentions. Do not haste anything frivolous without their permission. We are now in the #metoo era and asking permission for everything is imperative. If you are a Harvey Weinstein (who I waited on one time while working at Nobu restaurant in Tribeca), I will provoke your right to conduct wine fortune readings. Wine readings are meant to be playful and fun — not predatory. This is of extreme importance and care.
4. Read The Lashes
While not as tantalizing as the information derived from legs and lips, lashes will confirm everything you need to know. And this isn’t an homage to S&M, or leather and bondage — I am talking about eye lashes—the window sills to the human soul.
If you’re uncertain how much of your words are getting through to your partner, glance at their lashes. Are they imposing, or receptive? Straddle your fortune touch between legs and lips with an occasional whip of the lashes for a good measure. This will aid the recalibration of your fortune road map. Adjust your words in real time to their reactions. If something does not resonate, you can always observe in the lashes. Whip them to a follow-up question.
Below is an example of an actual wine fortune reading.
Dr. Honeybrew : “I see a forest in your lips — hot and burning like Northern California. A stubborn lover wrestles fervently with you, but oddly, a grizzly bear in the background watches on with exhausted indifference”.
Partner : *Begins to wince or twitch eye lashes*.
Now — this is where the followup questions come into play... here is one of five.
Who is this unimpressed Grizzly Bear?
Have you ever gone camping?
How often do you wrestle? Could this be a metaphor for your argumentative side?
What is your connection to Northern California?
Could this be a desire to leave your comfort zone and try something new?
______________________________________________________
Gauge your partners reactions and ask questions that are interactive in nature. Listen carefully. The answers you receive will lead you to crack the meaning of those tannin drenched symbols. Your predictions will invariably showcase your fun side to your partner. And that is a very good thing.
Conclusion
You can keep it light & fruity like a good glass of Beaujolais, but some lovers are like Barolo. Always have awareness in noticing what “wine” your lover is and adjust your tone to their bouquet.
There is a ton of foreplay to be found in this unique form of divinity. Just like drinking of the wine itself, the reading of wine can be a highly seductive, sensual, and an extremely fun affair. Enjoy, and read responsibly!
