Why does coffee make you poop?
At some point in all of our futures, nature will whisper its seductive voice into our ears — beckoning us to “push and push”, reminiscent of the wildly popular dance track of Salt N’ Pepa from the 1990’s. But this ain’t no ordinary kind of push. No sir.
Fortune telling is known to ease the mind and soul, but not every orifice. And coffee fortune reading does just that — relaxing & reverberating all corners of the body. Though to receive a coffee fortune reading, one must drink an entire brew. But this brew we speak of - sans honey - can at times run south. Yes, let’s be honest with ourselves for one single second por favor.
Often people ask me, “Can you read the future from excrements”? Honestly, this is a ridiculous question that I always dutifully ignore. To even entertain the thought is not only disgusting, but uncouth. Yes, having a bowel movement is a natural part of life (I personally abstain from it), but we mustn’t feel compelled to analyze dirty deeds for the sake of bringing clarity into our lives. We must refuse to fall down that rabbit hole at all costs.
So, why does coffee make you poop?
Before I answer the unusual question, I want to get personal for a moment. The other week while I was in Turkey, my uncle pooped on my hand. This isn’t a joke. Thankfully, I was wearing a glove. Now, you may wonder the context of my revelation — so I will say — witnessing those around us (once so animated and bright) be robbed of their youth, is a distress no one is ever trained to deal with. This turtle paced decay force us to reckon with our own mortality. Especially when dealing directly with the very individuals who are so physically debilitated that they no longer have control over their bodies, and release bodily matters without warning or embarrassment. To quote another 1990’s song - this time heavy metal - it is “Sad But True”.
On this particular morning, I gave uncle little too much coffee (I was in the process of doing a Turkish coffee fortune reading for both him and grandma as I am accustomed to during my stays in Istanbul). So while changing his diaper, just as he was standing up, he suddenly decided to let everything go. It was akin to a slow functioning ice cream dispenser from McDonald’s. The only difference was, this chocolate cone wasn’t worth a dollar. And I didn’t want it, though I had no choice.
To explain uncle’s dilemma in simpleton’s terms — the coffee made him poop (decaf or regular doesn’t matter). The key component here is a fella named chlorogenic acid, which is found in coffee and is known to increase stomach acid levels along with the production of gastric acid. This makes the stomach work faster than usual, hastening the need to poop. Also, similar to the mystery origins of Turkish coffee fortune reading, it is not known which of the myriad chemicals found in coffee are responsible for triggering this need to expel — just as uncle did. So, pooping is kind of exotic too.
Anyways. We should always retain pride in releasing bodily tension — especially while we still have the luxury of health to do so without requiring extra hands for assistance. If anything gets released, then it has happened, don’t worry about the consequences. Just move on. But don’t leave a mess for anyone to clean up unless you absolutely need the help. And if that’s the case then please — don’t worry, and don’t feel bad. We as the world are here to help you. It is called karma. Enjoy it and don’t be sad.
Like the famous musician Sting once said “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours”. To love is not so different from pooping after all.
